


No More, Love

by Luciferous_Lampadomancy



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Arguing, Canon Universe, Drunkenness, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, Reverse Big Bang Challenge, Spoilers, handers - Freeform, handers reverse big bang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 07:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14995955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferous_Lampadomancy/pseuds/Luciferous_Lampadomancy
Summary: Hawke isn't taking the news of Leandra's death well at all and Anders is doing his best to help.





	No More, Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! This work was part of a Handers Reverse Big Bang I signed up for on Tumblr! I worked with A-blue-bubble and it was an absolute pleasure to do so. They have the accompanying art for this fic up on their tumblr so please go check it and them out! 
> 
>  
> 
> [Link to A-blue-bubble's artwork](http://a-blue-bubble.tumblr.com/post/175135066870/right-heres-my-piece-for-handers-times-reverse)

A single feather detaches from shoulder pauldrens, floating to the cobblestones of Hightown as a hand forms a hesitant fist. Quiet knocking echoes throughout the empty entryway and the door squeaks as it opens. A sigh follows when Anders steps in and finds the fireplace roaring, Hawke sat in the chair facing it.

“Hawke?” Anders calls, cringing slightly as he steps into the living room, counting the bottles scattered about. Two stood upright on the side table by the chair, one was clutched in Hawke’s hand as it rested on the arm, and several more were on their sides on the floor, empty, just like Anders felt, “Garrett? Are you awake?”

“Anders?” Hawke stirs, turning and immediately beaming upon spotting Anders, “Hey, love!” His voice was thick, and Anders visibly deflates. He watches as Garrett lifts the bottle in his hand to his lips and swallows down the rest of what was in it, “C’mere won’t you?”

“I’m coming Hawke,” Anders musters up a small smile, closing the distance between them. Once he was within reach, Hawke goes to stand to meet him but Anders has to lunge and catch his arm to try and steady him. Somehow they don’t end up a tangled mess on the floor and instead Hawke was caught in Anders’ arms, pressed to his chest. The grin is still plastered on his face as Hawke reaches up to cup Anders’ cheek in his palm.

“Looks like I fell for you all over again.” Hawke slurs happily, giggling to himself at his supposed smoothness, “And you still catch me, how could I _ever_ thank you enough?” He grins impossibly wider, leaning up to try and land a sloppy kiss, but Anders turns to kiss Hawke’s palm at the last second, leaving Hawke’s lips to land on his cheek instead. To avoid Hawke’s suspicion however, he took hold of the hand and used it to gently turn Hawke around, so the man’s back was to his chest.

He so desperately wants to say “ _you know how, Hawke. Put down the bottle, come back to me.”_ But too many times that ended with Hawke shutting down completely on him and Anders couldn’t have that again. Not now, when Hawke is starting to grow more gaunt, bags showing under his eyes and alcohol constantly on his breath. Anders knew how painful this was for him, to find Leandra like that, blaming himself for it day and night. And now Anders had to watch him deal with the guilt through isolation, or through the bottle.  

Sober, and he was sat in bed, head in his hands and either muttering or crying, magic a turmoil inside him as his despair dampens the flames of rage. Anders never knew what to do when he was like that, it wasn’t a hurt he knew how to heal. Every time he so much as stepped into the room to try, he felt the tension snap and had to watch as Hawke broke down even more before his very eyes. The only time Hawke left that position was to drink. Enough of the alcohol and the other side of him came out.

Drunk, he’s as he is now, laid back and leaning happily against Anders, smiling as he presses his nose into Anders’ neck, humming along to a song only he can hear. So long as you didn’t mention anything about his mother or family, he was stable, happy. But it was fake, and it made Anders sick to know that the only happiness Hawke could find was at the cost of the bottle.

At this point he didn’t know which one he preferred, or even if he could break the cycle. It’s been weeks now, and even the townspeople have started questioning whether their champion will come back. Anders just wanted the man Hawke was back, the strong leader that he looked up to, the friend that listened with not only an open ear but an open heart, to the man that could never crumble, could never break. Not like this.

“You don’t have to thank me.” Anders whispers eventually, letting himself sway with Hawke in his arms, feeling the roughness of his beard rub against his collarbone. He presses a soft kiss to Hawke’s forehead, swallowing thickly when Hawke breaks free for a moment to grab another bottle. The words are out before he can stop them, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Hawke?”

“What’re you talking about?” Hawke giggles, taking a long drink and letting a happy sigh fall from his lips when he comes back up for air, “I think it’s _you_ that hasn’t had enough.” He practically sings, swaying the bottle enticingly in front of Anders, “Just a little? I’m sure Justice won’t mind just this once.”

“Hawke, you know I can’t.” Anders sighs, gently taking Hawke’s hand and trying to get him to set the bottle down but instead Hawke just shrugs and pulls it back to his lips.

“Spoilsport.” He grins around the lip of the bottle, “Just means more for me then!” He takes another sip before nuzzling back into Anders’s neck and pressing a sloppy kiss there.

“Hawke, please, it’s late.” Anders tries, mustering up another small smile as he wraps his free hand around Hawke’s arm, thumb rubbing gently, “We should be getting to bed don’t you think?”

“But I don’t feel sleepy.” Hawke slurs, leaning even more heavily against Anders. His eyes betray him however and slip farther closed at the suggestion.

“Come on, you big lump, you.” Anders murmurs affectionately, shifting Hawke in his arms to better support him, “Let’s at least get you upstairs.”

“But Anders!” Hawke whines, slumping back into Anders’ arms.

“No buts, come on.” Anders rolls his eyes and smiles a bit more, only to flinch and startle when he feels Hawke’s hand grab a handful of his butt.

“Except yours.” Hawke grins slyly, and Anders sucks in a breath, shaking his head.

“Now, now, Hawke, hands to yourself.” Anders chides, smile starting to become forced again, “lets just focus on getting up the stairs, okay?”

Hawke pouts at first, but eventually gives in with a heavy sigh, “Alright, _mother_.” He even lets Anders pry the bottle from his fingers to place down on the nightstand before getting lead to the stairs, and then up them, slowly but surely. A couple stumbles and near falls later, Hawke’s incessant giggling accompanying every misstep, Anders gets him sat on the bed. He turns to shut the door and hears a thump behind him. With a gentle sigh of relief, Anders closes the door and turns back to find Hawke snoring away on his side, knocked clean out.

Stepping back over to the bed, Anders gently takes what was left of his armour off and tucks him in, seating himself on the edge. After a moment of watching how calm Hawke looked, he reaches to run a hand through Hawke’s hair, moving his bangs out of the way to lean down and kiss his forehead, “Come back to me soon, love. This is only hurting you and everyone else more…”

He lets his lips linger for several long moments, eyes shut tightly. If he tried, he could imagine Hawke was just asleep, that nothing was wrong, that it was just another night he was tucking a weary battle worn Hawke into bed to get up and tackle new challenges the townspeople handed him the next day. He knows he had to open his eyes eventually though, as much as it pains him, and so he does. Focusing in on Hawke’s face, he pays attention to the lack of a crease between his brows, the soft pout of sleep on his lips, and the soft whistle that accompanied each deep breath of sleep. With a weary sigh, Anders straightens again and heads back down the stairs to clean up the mess Hawke left.

The next morning, Anders stirred when he heard footsteps on the staircase, groaning slightly as he fights to wake up. He couldn’t stand to sleep beside Hawke and opted to take the chair by the fire instead. Shifting to turn to face the staircase, Anders yawns through a greeting, praying he’ll get a response. Instead, he watches Hawke meet his eyes, freeze under his stare, and then duck his head and continue down the stairs.

“Hawke?” Anders calls, getting to his feet and stretching before trying to follow him to the kitchen, “How’re you feeling?” He tries, smiling brightly in hopes to get any kind of response, “Not too bad of a headache I hope?”

“It’s bad.” Hawke’s voice was rough and quiet, but it was there, even if his back was turned to Anders in the doorway. His hands were on the counter, bracing himself as he leaned into it.

“I could help with that, if you’d like?” Anders tries, taking a couple steps closer, “Water is also a good idea, I could get you some.”

“No.”

“I… Hawke….” Anders stops in his tracks, the façade of happiness breaking down as Hawke’s name falls from his lips in a whisper. He pauses before trying again, voice much less confident, “Please let me help?” It takes several long moments of silence before Anders repeats the question, a bit firmer. Another several moments pass before Hawke finally speaks.

“There’s nothing you can do.” Hawke’s voice is harder now and Anders watches as he shakes his head, “Nothing _anyone_ can do.”

“But we can try, why won’t you let me try?” Hawke doesn’t respond at all now, Anders watches as his jaw clenches a couple times before he turns and brushes past him.

“Hawke, _please,_ ” Anders sighs, trailing after him as he watches him immediately start rummaging around for a bottle, “Listen to me, _talk to me._ ” When he’s only met with more silence, Anders sums up his courage and steps up to grab Hawke’s shoulder, “Hawke.”

“ _What_ , Anders? I already _told_ you,” Hawke practically snarls, but there’s no malice, only frustration, “there’s nothing you can do, just leave me _be_ , I don’t want to deal with this.” Hawke shrugs, and Anders’ weak grip just falls off his shoulder. Anders watches Hawke grumble to himself as he searches the cabinets and shelves for another couple moments. Eventually he shuts his eyes, he couldn’t watch. He needed to do something, he needed to do something _now_.

“Don’t make me involve Carver.” The threat was simple, and Anders knew it wouldn’t go over well, but something had to snap Hawke back to himself. He’d take almost anything at this point, though a part of him regrets bringing up Carver as Hawke turns. The reaction was immediate.

“ _What_!?” Hawke hisses, eyes narrowed on Anders, “Don’t you _dare_.”

“If it means getting you better, getting you help, I’ll do anything, Hawke.” Anders affirms, nodding, though his insides are a turmoil due to Hawke’s reaction. Despite his confident affirmation he knew he made a mistake.

“No, Carver can’t know about this-” Hawke starts, teeth gritted to the point where it looked painful, “Not now, not-just-” Hawke stops suddenly, turning away again. Anders caught the glimpse of Hawke’s face that he needed though. He could see just how torn up Hawke was about this, and it wasn’t because he was worried about Carver. “Carver doesn’t have to know okay? Just don’t. He’s had enough to deal with. I don’t want him dealing with me too.”

“Hawke, what’s this about?” Anders tries gently, stepping closer but Hawke doesn’t respond again. Instead, Anders watches a tremble run through Hawke’s body and a quiet sob leave him. Hesitantly, Anders takes another step and tries to place a hand on Hawke’s shoulder. The second his hand touches Hawke, however, he turns back, startling Anders and making him step back again.

“Just stop it! Stop caring! Stop checking up on me, stop becoming a second family I know I’ll just let down too!” He was clearly sobbing at this point, and Anders’ heart broke with every word that left his mouth.

“Hawke…”

“Don’t Anders!” Hawke cuts him off, but his voice immediately loses the bite when he continues, “Just don’t, I can’t… I can’t lose anyone else… I can’t handle losing anyone else… of losing you… _Maker it’s all my fault_ - _”_

The last words are a whisper, and Anders starts to take a step forward again before he thinks better of it. Instead, he waits a moment before speaking again, his own voice soft again.

“This… isn’t your fault Garrett. What happened wasn’t fair to you but you’re being unfair to yourself by putting all the guilt and blame on you.”

“You’re wrong,” Hawke whispers, voice steadily growing more and more frantic as he continues, “I should’ve been there sooner, I should’ve seen it-should’ve caught the guy before he got to her-I should’ve been more vigilant, more protective, kept everyone safe, lost Beth, lost Carver, lost Mom, lost myself-”

“You haven’t lost yourself, Hawke-”

“Look at me!” Hawke shouts back instantly, cutting Anders off again before breaking out into a fresh round of sobbing, running a hand over his face frustratingly, “I’m a _mess_ Anders, I can’t protect anyone and you all just-you’re like a family to me and I-”

“Hawke, I-”

“Anders stop, just stop.” Hawke holds up a hand to silence him, meeting his eyes and Anders felt his own tears well up to how pained Hawke’s expression was.

Anders was having none of it.

“I’m a _healer_ Hawke, I can’t just sit here and watch you do this to yourself!” He wants to be sure Hawke listens, at least to this. “I know it hurts, I get it, believe me, but being a family means caring for each other and we want to care for and protect you too. It’s not all just on you, Garrett. We _all_ are a family, and we _all_ take care of _everyone._ And we’re worried about you.” Hawke’s eyes flick down, and after a couple moments Anders takes his silence as a sign to continue, “We just want to help you Hawke, but we can’t do anything if you won’t let us in.” He stops then, letting his posture fall, letting himself be vulnerable again, “Let us _help_ you.”

Anders watches Hawke’s shoulders fall, his head following as a long, shaky breath leaves the man, “I wish you _could_ help, Anders.” Finally, _finally,_ Hawke turns to look Anders in the eye, and Anders feels his breath leave him at how empty Hawke looked. He watched his lips curl upwards into a hollow version of his usual smirk, “The only thing that helps now is forgetting. Forgetting that I failed, and only alcohol can give me that.”

“I… if we can’t stop you from doing that, if that’s what you need, then can I ask you to do it with Varric?” Anders tries, daring to take another step closer, “At least so you have someone with you?”

“Anders, I can’t leave-”

“Then I’ll have him come here.” Anders assures, taking another step closer to bring a hand up to cradle Hawke’s cheek in his hand, “Please, I’d feel so much better if you had someone with you, it doesn’t have to be Varric, just, as long as you’re not alone.”

Hawke is silent for another long moment before he lifts his gaze again, and Anders almost sobs in relief when he sees a genuine attempt at a smile, “I… I think I can do that.”


End file.
